Don’t show a weakness!
Been thinking about this a lot lately. My right heel has been very painful for the last few months - it mostly hurts after I’ve been standing/walking for awhile and then it only hurts after I sit down and then stand back up again. It’s not something that has really bothered me much when I’m around other people, so at first I hadn’t said anything. A few months went by and finally today I went to the dr about it - the dr was the 1st one I’d told that I’d been in pain for months. Didn’t even tell my parents when I went with them on 2 week hiking trip. Just before the trip I discovered Superfeet insoles which made a world of difference (and they are dr approved - he was very pleased I’d discovered those on my own! Hanging out in hiker forums pays off!!!!) and I tried to manipulate our days such that we went on short hikes with some time to sit in between - still my feet/legs would get tried quickly and didn’t enjoy the hiking as much as I have in the past I just tried to suck it up, covertly take Advil, and put on a happy face. Anyway, the problem isn’t super serious and with the proper treatment - stretches, a night brace, good shoes it should go away (might take 6-12 months though…)
I did share the news that my feet have been bothering me on twitter today - not on FB b/c I’m still feeling like I don’t want to go totally public. What’s bugging me if why do I feel the need to keep these things a secret?
Sometimes I worry that if I complain about something that not visible - such as this foot pain - no one will believe me. I know as a kid Mom never believed me unless there was a visible symptom - a fever or rash. Sometimes I think people will see me as a complainer if I mention the things are bothering me. Sometimes I think I’m fearful that people will react in a way that hurts my feelings - again something that happened a lot growing up. It’s not that my parents abused me or mistreated me, they didn’t, it’s just that they usually not only missed the mark when it came to being supportive, they often were hurtful, they meant well and did the best they could. I learned pretty quickly growing up that as long as I don’t show a weakness everything will be fine.
Even today when I know I have people in my life who will care for me, who will be supportive and not hurtful, I have a hard time trusting that my weaknesses are safe. It’s not their fault at all. I know that if one of my friends was in pain every day I’d want to know. There may not be much I can do, but I’d want to know. I might even take it personally that they didn’t tell me, even though I do the same thing. Such a double standard.
A few months ago some friends and I went snow tubing. It was going to be a really fun day trip, but for whatever reason - early onset of pollen season, only getting 5 hours of sleep the night before - I didn’t feel good at all and was a TOTAL bitch. Rather than say “hey I don’t feel good today”, I was just bitchy and hoped that someone noticed and either asked or just started being extra nice to me. It didn’t happen. I was surrounded by my best friends, feeling like crap and no one really knew. Looking back on it I realized that I should have spoken up. No doubt everyone realized something was wrong and by no saying something I’m sure I made things more awkward for them.
So going forward I’m going to try do a better job of sharing stuff with my friends, but hopefully not to the point of becoming a whiny complainer b/c I can’t stand that either! And, I promise not to take it personally if someone doesn’t want to show their weakness to me, it’s probably not my fault!
Unknowing captor
You’ll never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I can’t touch you
